This is a little phrase that has surfaced in my life now and then, but only today did I realise how appropriate it was in understanding the importance of COMMUNICATING IN SOMEONE ELSE's VALUE SYSTEM.
One of the things in my life I feel so blessed with is that I have a very calm dog. Imagine my surprise when instead of a passionate smooching scene with an unnamed hollywood actor ( yes, it was a dream) my very darling pooch was giving me a lavish bathing with his tongue. I sat up dis-oriented, " Oh crap, I have totally overslept" was my first thought as I saw the numbers 10:01 glaring at me from the alarm clock on the side-table. "What day is it - oh no - wednesday - oh no - the cleaning lady!!!!". Thankfully, amongst the chaos of my dog now running around in circles chasing his tail like a bat out of hell, I heard the relieving sound of pots and pans clanging together as they were being packed away into their drawers. She was here.
"OK, concentrate now - alright, yes, I got up at 6, walked the dog, fed and medicated the pets ( my pooch needs thyroid medication twice daily) gotten back into bed to work on my workshop draughts ( yes, in bed ... it was freeeeezing) and of course fallen asleep. What is wrong with this dog?? for a moment there I had flashbacks from a scene in Trainspotting were one of the main characters is at a job interview drugged out of his brain, unable to sit still or make coherent sentences....... Sam, sit still!!!! Now the crazy running had turned into incessant humping of the corner of my bed. Sam, seriously, calm down!!!
Off to the shower and get ready. rush, rush, rush. Why is the dog following me like a shadow and staring holes into me??? House phone rings, mobile rings, cleaning lady waves goodbye and shuts the door. Is that the dog chasing the cat up and down the stairs???? This is like a madhouse. Just as I was about to finally sit down to a lovely morning cup of tea I read the bright pink post-it note the cleaning lady left sticking on the now gleaming surface of the refrigerator.
***"Thought you were not feeling well, so I fed the pets and GAVE SAM HIS MEDICATION***
Those last 4 words seemed to enter my brain in absolute slow motion, time and space dragged out ready to a point of snap. As a very dear friend of mine always says, there definitely are appropriate moments for swear words - and this - absolutely was one of these moments ...F***!!! That meant that sam had his total dose of the day in a space of 4 hours .....S***!!
To you and me that would be like drinking 10 cappuccinos:(
The next couple of hours went a bit blur, phone calls, vet, etc .. no doggies were harmed in the making of this blog, Phew!!!! Sam is fine, despite his road-runner impersonation on the frozen sidewalk outside my house and a couple of hours in the fast lane of life. My cleaning lady has calmed down after using up almost her entire monthly allowance of txt messages in saying sorry and I am finally sitting down with another cup of tea to my journal and my trusty Demartini sheets.
The first thing I of course wanted to know where this was my reflection....
1) Where was I not communicating in someone's value system and making a right hash of it. 2)Where was I assuming I was doing someone a favor and causing something/someone in their life a whole lots of distress?
Whoa!!!!! ( won't bore you with the details but it was amazing to see the reflection). Ouch!!! Doh!!!!
Now onto the main focus of this blog: Where was the balance?
1)If my cleaning lady was not communicating in my value system .... who was?
2)Who was exactly asking me how/when/where there could do me a favor.
That was definitely one of my friends who I recently did an extensive session on how to communicate in values .... she was now an absolute whizz at it.
3)At the point in time that the collie was all mad and scatty where was he focussed and calm? Well, he was utter persistent in trying to let me know that something was wrong.
4)At the point in time where my cleaning lady was "doing me a favor", where was she not doing me a favor?
Thats obvious - the rest of my day was taken up with sorting out the drugged to the eyeballs border collie.
I am once again reminded of the importance of really knowing what the other person would consider a favor..... not merely assuming you know. Also, what was once true may not be true now - people change and situations change people.
This of course completely highlights the significance of:
CARELESS - CAREFUL- CARING
Careless is doing another person a favor that you would consider a favor without caring if they would consider this a favor.
Careful is exactly finding out what the other person considers a favor and then not considering whether you would be ok doing it.
(hahaha .. a friend of mine always wanted to go skydiving but didn't want to go alone and without even considering wether I wanted to ... said yes, big big mistake)
Caring is the win-win, what kind of favors could you do for a friend that would suit both of you.
Question/Exercise for you:)
Where did you do someone a favor or a surprise that didn't have the desired/assumed outcome and caused that someone a whole lot of hassle?
What would have been a different way do do them a favor or communicate in their value system?
All the best
happy collapsing
Steph
xoxo
