Its impossible to be liked by everyone.

Being liked by everyone used to be somewhat of an obsession of mine. Not the kind of obsession where you can choose your actions and feelings, a kind of flit-tish thing that you indulge in now and then when you feel like it .... not that kind. I am talking about the kind that 99% of the time you don't even know you are doing it - the people-pleasing kind.

In M.E./Chronic Fatigue Syndrome ... the illness that I had for 6 years severely, people-pleasing has been identified as one of the most powerful drivers in making you chronically exhausted - in my case to the point of near organ failure and bed-ridden paralysis.

In the beginning this obsession looks like this:

Saying "yes" to everything

making sure everyone is happy before you are and

being the best friend/girlfriend/employee etc etc

... I used to call it Little Miss Everything-to-Everyone (and actually be proud of it).

My friends at school used to call me the "karma chameleon" - due to my uncanny ability to transform into anything or anyone (and of course due to a rather embarrassing phase of wearing ever-changing boy-george-like hats) . The tricky thing in the progression of this state of being is that - ignore yourself for long enough, and sooner or later you will forget who you really are. At the height of my illness, I remember lying there thinking : "Who am I now, now that I am nothing to no-one" and somewhere from the deepest darkest hollow in me I heard myself whisper ....... "I can't remember".

The fabulous thing about being so ill that you cannot interact with society is, that you have no-one else to talk to but yourself. In my case my obsession with the world and the people in it was so severe that for the most part of one year my darling brain even removed from me the ability to make sentences and communicate effectively - so there really was no interacting anymore - just me, myself and I ..... in my head, alone. And it was about time, even though I had always been the "over-thinking" type ... I had never ever been truly PRESENT with myself... I was way way too busy being there for everyone else. It felt like being washed up and stranded on a deserted island with yourself - by yourself.

Sure, for quite some time I felt just plain sorry for myself. I must have spend a good few month just pining for how "I used to be" and all the things I would be doing had I not been brutally denied my health and freedom. I even remember being angry at God - how could he have "punished" me after all the sacrifices I had made for everyone. Eventually, once the confusion, anger, hate and rage passed ... there was just me....only me...nothing but me. When you're stranded on a desert island with someone, trust me ... eventually you will start talking to them, no matter how much you disliked them or wanted to ignore them to begin with.

And therein started my journey in getting to know myself.... ironic really that the illness is called M.E. (which actually stands for Myalgic Encephalitis).Because my obsession with all other people had been so prolonged and I had become somewhat of a master at making my life about others and essentially living and doing things FOR them ..... I seriously had no clue who I was. For quite sometime I had to sort of play a game with myself .. well, if I could pick any job what would that be, if I could choose any life what would that be - you'd be amazed how creative you can become when your "real" life is pretty much at a dead-end. I had nothing to loose, no one to impress and A LOT of time on my hands. It seemed like I was meeting myself for the first time. Although, I could never really tell if it was a creating myself or remembering who I had always been underneath in any case.

In those long dark months of inner isolation what did become painfully apparent was an awareness of which behaviour sapped my energy and which actions gave me energy. It was like becoming intimately acquainted with my body's mechanisms. It was simple really: be true to yourself - energy switch on ... or... do things FOR others you really don't want to but go along with to be liked - energy switch off. After tinkering with this for quite some time, my mind eventually came to that point where the obvious question could no longer be ignored: WHY WAS I SO OBSESSED WITH BEING LIKED in the first place?

Without going into too much details of my childhood and youth, the root of the obsession seemed to have sprouted in my upbringing which included a divorce,a lot of international travel, new languages, strange new countries and a string of different schools. That, however, was only the root of where I learned this behaviour, it didn't explain why throughout my life I continued to become more and more wrapped up in pursuing it. What on earth was so powerful to have me so spellbound and entranced? You'd be amazed at the amount of clarity your brain can come up with when you have nothing to loose. The clarity and simplicity of the message was mind-boggling considering that at that stage I couldn't string together proper sentences or co-ordinate my limbs to stand or walk! When I went into my head and picked apart the reasons and motivations, my brain just offered up the following almost robot-like code:

Make sure everyone likes me = I am liked = therefore I am good enough = no hurt/no pain = survival.

After years of exasperated thinking of who I was, my purpose in life and the point of life as a whole it came down to this ..."everyone likes me"= "no pain". What shocked me more than the simplicity of this was that I knew it was a lie ........ making sure everyone liked me hurt like hell, it was exhausting and bewildering. It didn't make me feel safe - quite the contrary!!! - I felt unsafe being found out not to be as brilliant in all areas as I "presented" to be. No matter what I achieved or whom I impressed there were always an equal amount of things I had to neglect to achieve those accolades and always some people who found me a "try-to-hard" or "over-achiever". I distinctly remember one of my closest friend telling me that she could no longer stand to be friends with me because my achievements and trying to keep up with them "...made the rest of them look and feel like shit"- it was like a dagger through my heart.

My head seemed to have lied to itself !?!?!

There was no up without a down. Whether I did my "best" to please people or not - there was ALWAYS an equal split of those who liked me and those who didn't. As soon as one person praised me, another seemed to condemn me. Whenever I was flying high intoxicated with the drug of praise, something or someone would come along and take me out of that high - I used to call them jealous, I used to make up reasons why their character was hurt or flawed in order for them not to let me have my glory...... oh dear, what glorious mis-perceptions I was living on.

What made me recover in the end? Well, it was indeed a multi-layered journey on so many levels": physical, emotional, mental and spiritual - too long a story to go into here. If I had to give you the two-sentence answer it would be this:

I began to see that LOVE was in me and all around me. I woke up from a deep sleep of seeing the world in a black and white, up and down polarity and finally saw the balance that had been there all along. I began to see the magnificence, purpose and beauty in my self and in the extraordinary journey of dis-ease that had enabled me, guided me and led me to see the truth of LOVE and BALANCE.

One of the major realisations I had along the way was that:

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE LIKED BY EVERYONE.

Why? Universal law actually ....

1) The universe is always in balance. Somewhere on the planet it is simultaneously night and day. Somewhere on the planet it is simultaneously winter and summer. On a children's playground the seesaw is also up when it is down and down when it is up. This same balance is happening inside your life, your mind and your body. Your body simultaneously creates and destroys tissue. In your mind, whenever you are unhappy about something you are at the same time comparing it to a happy fantasy of how you think it should be. At any point in your life, if you could take a snapshot of it for analysis, there will always be a balance of people who like and dislike you - it is only your perception that tells you "no-one likes me" or "every-one" hates me if you have not stopped to look for where the balance exists. You not looking does not mean it does no exist :):)

2)Every single person has a blueprint or hierarchy of values by which we live our lives. Every choice we make all the way from what to wear and through what to do with our lives is based on those values. Those values in turn are based on what we perceive to be missing in our life and naturally we build our life to full-fill those voids. When something comes along that is in line with our highest value we label it "good" and "right" BUT when something threatens our values or goes against what they stand for, we call it "bad". Likewise when we encounter something at the bottom of our values list we call it "unimportant" and don't spend much time on it.

SOMEONE NOT LIKING YOU OR DISAGREEING WITH YOU... in first line is not a judgement of your character or worth but primarily a communication from them to you letting you know that something you did is not in line with their values.

EVEN WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT THEY "HATE" YOU OR GET ANGRY WITH YOU ...again it is simply an indication to you that something you have said or done is not in-line with - in fact it is contrary or offensive - to their blueprint of how life should be or how should function.

**ALL of the above scenario have nothing to do with your character or worth AT ALL!! other than that you or your action were the trigger or reminder to the other person of what is most important to them.** These scenarios do of course have the added value of coming into your life to awaken you to the hidden order and balance in the universe -ie: they come to you so you can see the benefits of being rejected and downsides of being liked as it was in my case:)

Learning to play and dance though my life with these universal laws firmly in my grasp didn't magically remove challenge or challengers from my life - they are all there to keep me growing and learning whilst being supported to the same degree. It did however give me a real calm understanding that now when someone does disagree with me or go so far as to reject me it has nowhere near the effect it would have had pre-illness. In those unaware days a rejection would have certainly involved a reactive anger, a whole lot of feeling rejected and months of obsessing over why they did that. On top of this I would have been secretly on the inside feeling certain that it was due to the fact that my old fears of not being worth anybody's affection - were really actually true.

Now it seems almost a little silly and over-reactive that my mind would have come up with such lightning fast conclusions, but then again we are never really taught to look for and see the balance. Besides, imagine being liked by everyone ...... it would be pretty boring :) And I would have never strived for and achieved all those crazy, quirky, wild and wonderful things I did along the way to impress people. I even got to the point of thanking myself and others who were integral in making me feel like I was not good enough ( which is really the motivation underneath people-pleasing) because of them and their words fuelling my inner demon I have accomplished vast things and driven myself beyond what I thought was my limit many many times over.

Who would have ever thought that I would and ever could say that !!!!!!!!! hahahaha

Astounding!!

What to do when... its an emergency ?!?!?

Part of living the Demartini life or as I like to call it "striving to live consciously" you may well find .. as I often do, that sometimes it just isn't feasible to whip out a Demartini Collapse form and take a pen to hand .....especially if the wound you're looking at would require stitches ?!?!

But hilariously still, I must admit, that the first thought I did have as my body collided with a lovely ( and might I add rather solid) tree in the forest hubby and I go mountainbiking in, was ...... Where is the benefit?????. Ridiculous... right?

But I was grinning from ear to ear:) Here I was... mud all over me, bits of my knee threatening to spill out of my kneecap .... and yes I was smiling like a cheshire cat thinking " Where is the benefit?" ... all that collapsing is finally paying off(so cool)!!!!!!

Although not the main point of the story, it leads me down a lovely aside and gives a bit of an answer to a question I hear so often:

"So, what can I expect using and practising the Demartini Method?".

Answer :" Well one of the things that can happen is that as you become more proficient at using the method and developing that "mind muscle" that can instantly see the challenge and support. Your mind just seems to somewhat give up on panicking because it knows through evidence that challenge and support are always equal and simultaneous"

Just a couple of years earlier ..... I would have been an absolute bag of tears and sobs and probably put myself in one heck of a panic.

So how did I arrive at this magical moment?? Technically down a very steep hill where I was now slighted twisted, one leg wrapped around the now somewhat wobbly remains of a bike and the other doing a ragdoll impression hanging of a branch. My husband was now sprinting towards me with the most amazing amount of guilt written all across his concerned/petrified forehead ( yes, he DID say ... oh don't worry honey, this isn't the steep part :):):))

But here is me :):) cool as a cucumber, with a slight giggle under my breath mumbling through the earthen remains of a molehill still in my mouth : "I wonder what ON EARTH the benefit is in THIS?"

To answer the question of how did I arrive at that cool calm place in my mind is that I consistently apply what I call the "plaster" questions in all emergencies.

Emergency question NO.1

Q: WHERE IS THE OPPOSITE????

So in this particular case it would be where is the pleasure in all this pain - and believe me it was hellishly uncomfortable and friggin painful as soon as I put ANY weight on it. Here I run a quick list in my mind of what exactly is the challenge and look for its opposite.

a) pain - where is the pleasure?

b) can't move - where in my life am I free to move?

c) injured - where am I well and whole in my life?

Although this is not as comprehensive as a full collpase..... it has the incredible advantage of making sure that you see that in that moment where you are feeling incredibly challenged, at exactly the same time to the opposite degree you are being supported.

... if there is pain ... where is the pleasure?

.... if there is depression ... where is the fantasy of how it should be?

......if someone is challenging you ... who at the same time is supporting you?

Panic, anxiety and fear are all connected to a perception that a person, event or situation will have more drawbacks than benefits. The universe is however always in perfect balance... it is only our thoughts based on perceptions that tell us that some things are more "wrong" than "right". Just like night and day, winter and summer as well as the constant building and destroying that is evident simultaneously in your body systems - whenever there is challenge, there is support at the same time to the same degree....... and you are able to see that balance too by asking yourself the next question:

Emergency question NO.2

Q: WHAT IS THE BENEFIT OF WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

of course, if you are in an emergency or panic situation your physiology will be pumping with adrenalin and your fight/flight response that mobilizes you to run away/be alert and avert danger will be in full force.... asking yourself what is the benefit of the situation seems non-sensical or initially contrary to coping with what is happening. The trouble with panic & fear is that you may find yourself unable to think straight and make balanced decisions. Our bodies and minds are genetically programmed to avoid pain and strive for survival and as such when we get injured ( .. or perhaps ill?) asking yourself what is "good" or beneficial in that situation may seem a weird question to ask yourself.

The reason we pursue this line of questioning is to take our minds out of the depth of resentment (.. or fear.. or panic) and restore a sense of balance both to our thoughts as well as our physiology. Although initially the fight/flight response is triggered to enable us to be vigilant to danger and avoid it, when this state of danger-readiness persist driven and fuelled by fear and panic ... our bodies and minds start to break-down. Stress, which is now medically accepted as a key factor in most disease processes is often caused by this ever-present state of uber-vigilance resting on an ever-constant perception of "more challenge than support".

Wether your aim is to reduce stress, have the ability to think "straight" in difficult or high-pressure situations .... or just want to break the cycle of fear and panic the two

EMERGENCY QUESTIONS of

1. Where is the opposite?

2. What is the benefit?

..can effectively assist you in preventing yourself slipping into a state of unbalanced thinking which will eventually lead you to lobsided perpections about life, the people around you and ultimately yourself.

**DISCLAIMER**

In ALL medical or mental health emergencies please contact the appropriate emergency services!!!!!!

Happy collapsing!!!!

StephX

Failing to Plan is planning to fail

In my life, the journey of self-development, although a great passion of mine, has happened rather haphazardly on the whole. When I look back on my road less travelled it seems to be a string of inspirational seminars and enigmatic, awe-inspiring speakers and not much real ACTION. The action I did take in the years before I got to this work where a bit of a mish-mash of what appealed to me at that time or whatever was the trend-du-jour of the motivational speaker circuit. Alot of searching, alot of finding other people's answers but not so much getting to the very root of my own.

Initially when I got hold of the Demartini Work that did not change much. This often surprises me in retrospect as I always thought that if I found something that really worked for me I would "most certainly, absolutely, for sure" take action every single day. I am sure there are many of you that walked out of your first Breakthrough experience brimming with (slightly over-inflated) enthusiasm and a big bag of tasty illusions on how you would "definitely do a line everyday" - Awww, the splendid naiviety of youth ( I was the WORST one, lol). It baffles me so much as I had such profound spiritual, mental and physical healing experiences at the Breakthrough that it just seems unbelievable that I couldn't find the time (or rather wouldn't ) to make this part of every single day.

The thing missing of course was : A Structure - the map to transformation

or "All dressed up and nowhere to go" as Carrie Bradshaw would say.

So many times in the world of self-actualization and self-development you hear people talking about "being on the path" or even" finding their path", but no one ever seems to consider that finding any path of any kind without a map - is like looking for a needle in a haystack. It would only make sense that if you have spent most of your life looking for a path that you are supposedly meant to be on, maybe its time to give up randomly walking around and getting upset at not "finding" the path and do the clever thing ......get a map!

Winston Churchill declared in World War 2: " He who fails to plan is planning to fail". I am sure that although the connection between planning a war and planning your life is somewhat blurry, my internal state of mind has more often than not shown remarkable similarities to war zones and battlefields in the throes of trying to make sense of my world. There is an inherent structure to getting from A- to- B, whether that aim is defeating the Nazi's or getting your life and mind into a state of balance and gratitude - you need to have a plan, a structure a reference point.

Getting a plan from beginning to end relies on the interaction of following

INSPIRATION **REASON**PLAN**MENTOR**PEER GROUP**PRACTICE**DAILY ACTION

Although that seems as if its a long list of "what to do", it is a very finely tuned highly evolved,carefully researched blueprint that is used daily all the way from investment banking to high performance althetic coaching. So often in self development we fall into a place of "going with the flow" that can easily turn into "going around in circles". Failing to plan is planning to fail or in self-development terms you are just more likely to get stuck in over-thinking and alot of not-doing much about it. So often I hear "But, I have done so much work on this already"

which really means that you have done an enormous amount of thinking about it, but in all fairness probably have not had access to the appropriate tools to move your mind from analysis to gratitude, and transforming your understanding to love and balance.

INSPIRATION

Find what inspires you:)! Music, Art, dance, meditation - whatever it is for you. One of my inspirations is Dr Demartini and as such I often listen to his cd's and dvd's to get me all fired up for working on myself. Especially his book " the heart of love" is my constant bed-side companion to keep my mind engaged in seeing through the illusion of one-sided duality.

REASON

Dr Demartini often speaks about when you do what you love you are inspired, to do what you do not love yet you need outside motivation. This motivation exactly that, about WHY ? you want to work on yourself - your reason. Before I do any sort of collapse/demartini work, a do a little mini-list of the benefits of doing work on myself and how that would directly feed my top values. Lets face it, if you were constantly aware of the benefits of doing any work, no one on the outside or you yourself on the inside would need to motivate you .... it would just flow, the reason would be obvious.

PLAN

The 7 P's - have you heard of them? the old military adage:

Proper Prior Planning Prevents Poor Piss Performance - isn't it brilliant, and who said people in the army had no sense of humor. Just like Winston Churchill's call to plan, it is best advised to have a good aim in order to ensure a successful shot. Part of a good plan involves the following questions:

1) Where am I? - take stock

2) Where do I want to go? - take aim

3) How do I get there? - take action

Of course in terms of self-development that can be a little less obvious that aiming and shooting a gun, but considering that we have all been with our mind, feelings and thoughts all our lives, you would be amazed at how quickly you can turn aimless running around in your head into focused, purposeful action.

MENTOR ( or coach)

One of the most fascinating aspects of the human mind to me is self-deception, also called denial. I am sure we have all been there before;)nudge nudge, wink wink. Our minds are fantastically complicating things that have capabilities beyond our wildest dreams. Part of its impressive bag of tricks is thinking, analysis, decoding, connecting, intuiting, imagining and also just plain straightforward lying to yourself. Whenever your mind perceives a change bringing with it less benefits than drawbacks (just a preception of course), an elaborate scheme will be constructed in order to prevent change - after all your mind has one primal primary mission - to keep you safe and do what is beneficial to you, ie survival.

A Mentor or Coach can be invaluable in this journey of growth, often marred by set-backs and confusion. A mentor keeps you going, raises the bar when you play safe, inspires you to grow, empowers you to reach higher and most importantly, keeps it real and in perspective. Particularly in times of great confusion when "you can see the wood for the trees" anymore, your mentor is there to help you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on the bike and for a little while install a pair of training wheels on your super sonic speed racer.

PEER GROUP

We are essentially pack animal, lovely ones that be. I am sure you have noticed how more often than not your big charges come from people in your life rather than a flower or a glass. Our interactions with others are the juice that keep our buttons flowing, or rather keeps them pushed. Likewise interaction with others of a similar mind-set or experience can be hugely helpful in navigating the storms of your imbalanced thinking. We are all reflections of each other and just as in the last exercise or Step 9 we do after a full Demartini method when we chose someone to represent the person we did the collapse on, there are no mistakes in who is in front of you. Whoever is in front of you is your reflection, whatever is going on for them has relevance to you and your life.

Whether it is setting up your own group, following a local Demartini Study group or keeping abreast lectures, workshops and seminars, keeping in touch with others doing this work will pay infinite dividends in giving insights into yourself as well as walking in their shoes. Each one of us has every trait and whatever I perceive to exist in another person also exists in me - just in a form I have not loved to see yet.

PRACTICE

Doing the Demartini work is like building and flexing the ability of your mind to perceive any situation, person or yourself in balance. The art of seeing benefits and equal simultaneous drawbacks in every situation is a habit that can be learned by anyone, but requires practice through dedicated application. It works if you work it and it works really well if you work it alot - simples.

DAILY ACTION

I am sure you remember the exercise in the Breakthrough experience manual that instructs you to identify which daily actions would have the greatest impact in moving you closer to your goals and giving you a clearer view on what you would love to do most. Of course this exercise is designed to get you more in line with what you would most like to "be", "do" and "have" in your life, but it also has surprising applications and benefits in developing a more balance approach to life, to work and your relationships .If your aim is to use the Demartini work regularly to enable you to see the balance and perfection in your life and the life of others, Ask yourself this:

WHAT daily action could I take (remember to start small, an attainable goal) that would be most beneficial to me staying committed, staying inspired and staying motivated to my goal of balanced thinking and perception.

And remember above all, you are not alone - we are all in this together. If you feel that it is a struggle, find out where it is not a struggle and use the resources and support that are at hand in the form of Trained and Certified Demartini Facilitators - we are here to support you for your highest growth and most optimal learning. WE ARE HERE TO SERVE YOU.

Where to start? A roadmap to life after Breakthrough

Well done, you have just survived one of the most exhilarating and trying experiences of your life, you have completed the two days of THE BREAKTHROUGH EXPERIENCE with Dr John Demartini. How do you feel? What changed? Anything particular happen in the week after BTE?

Watching the attendees of the last Breakthrough experience leave the auditorium of the Copthorne Tara Hotel in Kensington on sunday evening reminded me of that bewilderingly fascinating experience ... my very first Breakthrough.

Let me first say this; no Breakthrough Experience is the same, every time you attend something will have shifted from before and as such you are attending in essence "same but different". There will be new buttons, new challenges, old challenges in new form, your goals may have shifted, your values may have shifted, the list is truly endless. And thats just the collapses you do on others ... by your second or third Breakthrough you may be ready to go for doing the quantum collapse process on yourself - a truly mind-altering, thought bending, perceptive balancing experience ( you'd be surprised how much you never knew about yourself, and thats excluding the stuff you aren't willing to admit to anyone). Each time you hear Dr Demartini different topics will jump out at you, different people will be drawn to you in the last step and you will be chosen as a reflection by different people - giving you even deeper insights into the magnificence of you life.

There is NO such thing as "I'm done", this journey has no end destination - a new set of polarities will emerge after each moment of balance is perceived. Tthere is always more to learn, new things to discover about you and the people in your life and the complex perfection of all those connections. Sound exhausting???? it just goes on and on and on and on ... lol, thats exactly what I thought. Here is the good news:):) this isn't a race, there is no prize for coming first, besides.... you are the only person in the running. The part of universal law that still tickles me every time is when I hear someone say " I have come off the path ... I need to get back on it" ....There is NO such thing as not on the path, so even if you think you are "off" the path or not "on track" you are actually always in the perfect place ... no matter what, you cannot get it wrong.

Wait, don't wait. be nice, don't be nice, be mean, don't be mean ... do whatever you like because no matter where when or how, the universe is always there balancing you or any given situation out. Even if you choose not to see the balance in a given person or situation, your faithful friend the universe will always serve you up the same dish of learning in a multitude of different ways. Even if you think that for example you are in a very difficult/challenging relationship you absolutely have to collapse it otherwise the karmic God of thunder and lightning will zap you.... the next relationship will do just fine. Leave, don't leave - either way learning will come your way.

In truth, there is no such thing as missing the train to enlightenment and if life was like one of those 70's game shows where a passing conveyor belt of items had to be remembered and recounted in perfect order for prizes, the conveyor belt of your life would most likely resemble one of those airport luggage stands ... where the same suitcase comes by again and again and again. I can just imagine instead of toaster, a set of dishes, coffee maker, umbrella, soft toy ... it would probably sound like this: boundaries, expecting others to live according to our values, perceiving one-sided illusions about more challenge than support ... and the same over and over and over. This really does give new meaning to the old saying "Same shit, different day" ... but of course SHIT being S-piritually H-armonizing I-ntelligent T-ruth as Dr Demartini explains on many of his colorful seminars.

So now for the practical stuff, because it only really works if you work it .. much like watching exercise videos doesn't actually make you fit, unless you actually do it every day to build muscle and increase metabolism. I like to think of building the muscle of your mind and the metabolism being the speed at which your system can make the connections: i.e: see the benefits, drawback, etc.

Of course different methods suit different people and everyone really has their own style of integrating this work into their life. I tried a couple of different strategies and for me I need something to remind me about balance and perception last thing at night and first thing in the morning. If I just jump up or drift off, "life" or what I like to call autopilot sets in and all over a sudden someone finishing the last piece of toilet paper or not buying new milk seems to take on mammoth armageddon like significance.

I experimented with this first thing in the morning and last thing at night with a journal, meditation, books etc and the best way it works for me is this. During the day I keep a watch out for things that push me, nudge me or just simply annoy me. I used to write them down but now thanks to my new phone i just voice record it - I also assign a value to it 1-5, 1 being so so and 5 being steam coming from my ears mad. In the evening I then quickly journal or do a lil line on it. Just before I fall asleep, instead of counting sheep I just say a quiet thank you list of all the things I appreciated in the past day. Next morning (depending on time and inclination) I either read a bit of one of Dr D's books or continue the line started the night before. Before I jump out of best I quickly look at my mission statement, zip zap .. ready to take on the day. I am talking no more than 10 minutes am and pm and sometimes not even that, sometimes its just a "thank you, I love you" or a quick visualization of the day ahead. I'm fairly flexible with this, but just making that small commitment is a phenomenal way to start off you practice of balanced perception living.

Because I am such a people person, I have found that I seem to stick with habits longer if they involve interactions with other of a similar inclination. If you are in London, the London Demartini Study group meets once a month and hosts a different facilitator each time presenting a different topic, taking your understanding of the work deeper and deeper.

The London Demartini Collapse Club is all about doing the work and keeping you working. Each month we tackle a different topic slowly (but surely) chipping away at the blocks to balancs.

Through Stighlitz or the Demartini Institute in South Africa you can find out about facilitators in your area of perhaps you already met a facilitator who is able to coach you/answer your questions via skype or phone.

In my opinion ( and it is just my opinion that suits my values) I like the following strategy

1) 1-2-1 coaching for those "stubborn stains", persons or situations that REALLY bug you or that you have tried and tried to deal with.

2) Workshops: I personally present the following range of topics... these look at the various areas in much more detail and you have more time to really get to understand and work on the exercises:

• Transformation workshop - a mini version of your past weekend, a breakthrough opportunity in itself.
• The power of values - the hierarchy of your values dictates your life and as such this workshop is a key building block to all that underlies communicating with other and understanding yourself.
• Nothing is Missing - where we deal with grief, loss or simply a perception of not enough, whatever that may be
• Relationships - Understanding why this area of life is such a minefield of misunderstanding. In this workshop we look at understanding as well and building relationships.
• Finding you inner Balance - continuing the Motor-sensory exercise from the Breakthough Experience where we identify specific memories during the spread of our life and looking at exactly where and how balance ie: challenge and support presented itself. This exercise is particularly useful in moving forward in your life, especially if fear, depression or doubt has held you back.

3) Find out how YOU want to be connected with this work and how it can gently remind and nudge you in the direction of balanced perception thinking. Do you work better alone, in a group, do you need to set aside a particular time in a week to do your lines etc. It has to fit YOUR life to be truly sustainable.

This particular quote is a great reminder of how important it is to KEEP AT IT at whatever pace is right for you:)

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" Albert Einstein

Happy collapsing

xoxo

S

So what exactly will this "Demartini thingy" do for me..?

This was the question one of the attendees of the talk "The Healing Mind" Dr Demartini gave posed to me as she contemplated signing up for the upcoming weekend event called "The Breakthrough Experience"?

For a moment there, my brain called a time-out to itself, huddled together and wondered ..... How do you explain something that permeates through your whole life? That has pulled you back from an inner brink repeatedly? Has explained yourself to yourself?... and is the reason you are still breathing, walking and talking today? WOW, thats a tough one. One part wanted to break out into melodramatic prose, giving an almost Romeo and Juliet crescendo to the explanation, the other just wanted to hold her hand, look deep into her eyes and in zen-like extra sensory communication transfer a feeling of knowing to her through the simple vessel of a smile. Time-out finished, back to reality - you're on.

"Well, its a tool of a thousand uses" I started. "Ya, he already said that" she replied wanting more. "... its a method whereby you pose questions to yourself that let you see what you had not previously considered" I offered as a top up (quite pleased with myself). When she tilted her head and looked at me like I had just explained a recipe for pancakes in Russian, I knew I had to dig deeper to deliver the goods. Just then a little phrase came to mind that had never let me down before - the proof is in the results... bingo.

"I am going to give you an example of how my mind used to work and how I felt before I learned the method and compare it to now, sometime later that I have had plenty of practice with it. A person in my life has done something that at first I thought I could handle, but over the past couple of days it has started to really make me angry. I have thought about it repeatedly and find that not only has the volume been turned up louder and louder each day,but that it has also started to make me act a little nuts. The more I think about it (and by now I can't help it or stop the thinking) the more that person annoys me, the more I annoy myself for letting myself get so fired up and the more the whole world annoys me. The lack of parking is now an issue, my cat is getting a mere fraction of its usual affection, the people around me have started to treat me like I am a bomb ready to cause devastation accidentally setoff by a random misplaced smile or helpful comment like "you look awful honey". I basically am ready to blow like a menacing volcano of anger,fear,hate and self-destruction. On top of all this misery, tension and and just sheer madness at the world I am now also having trouble sleeping, concentrating, eating and a whole host of other processes essential for wellness and well-being have become .... well, stuck ( I will spare you the bowel part of the description)." "Have you ever felt like this before?" I enquired delicately. "I have two teenage children, when have I not felt like this!" she answered with an almost undetectable hiss under her voice. "But go on, I would love to know how asking myself a couple of questions will stop me from wanting to change the locks and send them to a compulsory work-camp as soon as I try to go into either of their garbage landscaped bedrooms".Trying to dodge the sarcasm that just missed me as deftly as possible, I continued.

"Well, I can honestly say that with a little bit of practice and continued application of this process of asking myself these questions, roller-coaster rides of emotions like I described earlier hardly ever happen to me anymore (except of course on THAT day so that it was nice and fresh in my mind for the purpose of explaining this as vividly as possible, thanks;). As soon as something or someone comes up who annoys me or even just irritates me a little, I take out my form that has the question printed out on them, I follow the instructions and .....".

"And what ... what what what" she interrupted insistently, clutching my hand as if her life depended on it. "Then everything is fine and you're all happy, like happy all the time?" She nodded almost feverishly at me willing a confirmation out of me "Well, no not exactly ..... there is just nothing" I assured her confidently. The akward silence that followed and the ever so slight drop of her jaw said everything she didn't have to. "You're kidding me, right" dropped out of her by now open mouth after a few moments. Its going to be fun digging myself out of this one, I thought.

"Well, no not really. The questions show me that what that person is doing has both benefits and drawbacks, that is has purpose and a direction and that I do similar things all the time. It shows up things that I hadn't considered before and lets me see that the situation is balanced meaning that wether they do this or don't do this .... both scenarios have equal benefits and drawbacks... so really either one is fine by me. I am neither happy nor sad and I neither want them to continue doing it or stop doing it because in both events I gain and loose equally. So really, its even, its balanced ..... there are no crazy thoughts, no ratty behavior, no volcano-like outbursts that could make my friends question the safety of their children around me.... just nothing."

"Ah, I see ... ok, I get that" she added as the two deep furrows between her eyes loosed their grip on her arched eyebrows "but if I am getting this Demartini thingy right, then there can't just be nothing there also has to be something to balance it out ... right?"At that moment my legs almost gave way from out under me in just sheer awe of people's capacity to understand these concepts at lightning speed.

"There definitely is something" I replied "something very profound that happens to me when I go through the sheet and answer the questions. Right at the end of the last column by whole body and mind go quiet and the most amazing stillness sweeps in through me. Most of the time I get a tingly feeling that comes up from my feet and rushes like tiny little bubbles all over my skin. This feeling I get takes me right back to a memory as a small child in spring one year. I remember feeling the warm rays of the sun on my face and arms, hearing the exciting song of birds and picking up a ladybug from a blade of grass that still had the morning dew on it - it was perfect, I was mesmerized. That is the something I gain, just for a couple of seconds or so.... that feeling,.... that absolute knowing that my life is perfect just as it is, that I am prefect just as I am and that nothing will ever change that."

"I am certainly not going to argue with that" she smiled, patted me on the shoulder and signed up for the weekend too:)

Unexpected application of the Demartini Method

One of the things I did on the road to recovery from my illness was to take singing lessons.

The thought/science behind it was that illnesses that are linked with stress/adrenal burnout/HPA ( Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Axis) disorders often have as a sideline symptom shallow breathing. I tried to address this with various different methods all of which are very useful. Meditation, pranayam breathing, visualizations, tapes etc ... but finally found that those didn't seem to work as they were just not quite aligned with my values. So I dug around in my head and it finally jumped out at me: well... erm... (embarrassed look) ... blush.... I always wanted to sing. There I have admitted it ..... I am one of those in the shower singing people.

As with most things in life I immediately applied my 'jump-right-in-because-if-you-think-about- it-too- much-you'll-back-out approach. Singing lessons - boy was I nervous:( The teacher was amazing. She told me that everyone has a voice and anyone can sing.... and surprise surprise... you can learn it. And off I set on a vocal (and deeply diaphragmatic) journey of discovery.

Somewhere on this healing timeline, I discovered the Demartini Method and of course huge changes occurred from there on. Shifts, flips, 180's, turnovers, turnarounds ..... basically pure paradigm acrobatics. Sometimes when you are in the throws of changes, you yourself don't actually know the subtle differences manifesting and thus I am so grateful when the universe gives me a little heads up on the transformation taking place. Such a little heads-up occurred yesterday when after a very long time I saw my singing teacher again. Just as a warmup/re-connect we dug out pieces that I had been working on many moons ago. Up came Eva Cassidy's "fields of gold" which had always been a very important song in my life. My grandmother died when I was a teenager and I was only told a year later as my parents were on non speaking terms due to a difficult divorce. I was so shocked by the fact that no-one had told me and that I had for so many years been kept from the person I loved more than anything on this earth. This song flowed from my vocals laced with all the tears heartache and pain of that time. Very intense, very moving .... BUT ... also a bit crap. I could never finish the song, without crying; never hold the notes and the emotions made my voice shake .... and my voice often got small when the feelings tied around my throat like tourniquet.

About 6 months ago I did alot of Demartini work ( thanks Lisa:) around my grandmother/not being told and of course seeing where the energy is today and I am still amazed that all the pain and grief that I had carried around for so long has simply vanished. In its place is knowing that she is with me, feeling the support,love, affection she represented to me in a multitude of ways every single day. As I picked up the song sheet something already felt different. I tried to distract myself and not tune in as I didn't want to make a fool of myself on the first song..... don't think, just sing.

I take a breath ...... and start ..... "you'll remember me ....." and instead of daggers of pain ripping open my heart I started to see a hand reaching out to me ..... "so she took her love for to gaze a while" the hand became an arm ......"will you stay with me, will you be my love" ..... a shoulder, her neck.......her smile.... "we will walk in fields of gold" .... her beautiful eyes smiling right at me like she had always done. There was no pain, just love. There was no longing, just knowing. Pure love, divine presence....just her, just me, just us.

I only broke down in tears at the end and had to sit down. As my teacher asked me if I was ok, I looked up at her, smiling from ear to ear.... and tears of pure joy streaming down my cheeks....... I managed to choke out "never been better". She said to me through my tears :" I don't know what you have been doing but it was all there...... the breath, the pitch and range. beautifully done!wow!"

Demartini Method use number:1002 - improve your singing, do a collapse:):):)

"Assume" makes an ASS out of U and ME (CT-Presumptuous)

This is a little phrase that has surfaced in my life now and then, but only today did I realise how appropriate it was in understanding the importance of COMMUNICATING IN SOMEONE ELSE's VALUE SYSTEM.

One of the things in my life I feel so blessed with is that I have a very calm dog. Imagine my surprise when instead of a passionate smooching scene with an unnamed hollywood actor ( yes, it was a dream) my very darling pooch was giving me a lavish bathing with his tongue. I sat up dis-oriented, " Oh crap, I have totally overslept" was my first thought as I saw the numbers 10:01 glaring at me from the alarm clock on the side-table. "What day is it - oh no - wednesday - oh no - the cleaning lady!!!!". Thankfully, amongst the chaos of my dog now running around in circles chasing his tail like a bat out of hell, I heard the relieving sound of pots and pans clanging together as they were being packed away into their drawers. She was here.

"OK, concentrate now - alright, yes, I got up at 6, walked the dog, fed and medicated the pets ( my pooch needs thyroid medication twice daily) gotten back into bed to work on my workshop draughts ( yes, in bed ... it was freeeeezing) and of course fallen asleep. What is wrong with this dog?? for a moment there I had flashbacks from a scene in Trainspotting were one of the main characters is at a job interview drugged out of his brain, unable to sit still or make coherent sentences....... Sam, sit still!!!! Now the crazy running had turned into incessant humping of the corner of my bed. Sam, seriously, calm down!!!

Off to the shower and get ready. rush, rush, rush. Why is the dog following me like a shadow and staring holes into me??? House phone rings, mobile rings, cleaning lady waves goodbye and shuts the door. Is that the dog chasing the cat up and down the stairs???? This is like a madhouse. Just as I was about to finally sit down to a lovely morning cup of tea I read the bright pink post-it note the cleaning lady left sticking on the now gleaming surface of the refrigerator.

***"Thought you were not feeling well, so I fed the pets and GAVE SAM HIS MEDICATION***

Those last 4 words seemed to enter my brain in absolute slow motion, time and space dragged out ready to a point of snap. As a very dear friend of mine always says, there definitely are appropriate moments for swear words - and this - absolutely was one of these moments ...F***!!! That meant that sam had his total dose of the day in a space of 4 hours .....S***!!

To you and me that would be like drinking 10 cappuccinos:(

The next couple of hours went a bit blur, phone calls, vet, etc .. no doggies were harmed in the making of this blog, Phew!!!! Sam is fine, despite his road-runner impersonation on the frozen sidewalk outside my house and a couple of hours in the fast lane of life. My cleaning lady has calmed down after using up almost her entire monthly allowance of txt messages in saying sorry and I am finally sitting down with another cup of tea to my journal and my trusty Demartini sheets.

The first thing I of course wanted to know where this was my reflection....

1) Where was I not communicating in someone's value system and making a right hash of it. 2)Where was I assuming I was doing someone a favor and causing something/someone in their life a whole lots of distress?

Whoa!!!!! ( won't bore you with the details but it was amazing to see the reflection). Ouch!!! Doh!!!!

Now onto the main focus of this blog: Where was the balance?

1)If my cleaning lady was not communicating in my value system .... who was?

2)Who was exactly asking me how/when/where there could do me a favor.

That was definitely one of my friends who I recently did an extensive session on how to communicate in values .... she was now an absolute whizz at it.

3)At the point in time that the collie was all mad and scatty where was he focussed and calm? Well, he was utter persistent in trying to let me know that something was wrong.

4)At the point in time where my cleaning lady was "doing me a favor", where was she not doing me a favor?

Thats obvious - the rest of my day was taken up with sorting out the drugged to the eyeballs border collie.

I am once again reminded of the importance of really knowing what the other person would consider a favor..... not merely assuming you know. Also, what was once true may not be true now - people change and situations change people.

This of course completely highlights the significance of:

CARELESS - CAREFUL- CARING

Careless is doing another person a favor that you would consider a favor without caring if they would consider this a favor.

Careful is exactly finding out what the other person considers a favor and then not considering whether you would be ok doing it.

(hahaha .. a friend of mine always wanted to go skydiving but didn't want to go alone and without even considering wether I wanted to ... said yes, big big mistake)

Caring is the win-win, what kind of favors could you do for a friend that would suit both of you.

Question/Exercise for you:)

Where did you do someone a favor or a surprise that didn't have the desired/assumed outcome and caused that someone a whole lot of hassle?

What would have been a different way do do them a favor or communicate in their value system?

All the best

happy collapsing

Steph

xoxo