Lets face it, this has happened to all of us at some stage. A relationship, a facebook cull, a job application or even not being chosen for a sports team. Ouch ... hurts, doesn't it?
Have you ever stopped right there and asked yourself exactly what or why you feel hurt? Probably not. Most of us launch into some type of self- or other-destructive behaviour (and in some of us these may even be repeating life patterns). Few take the time to question the Self. "The quality of your life depends on the quality of the questions" Dr Demartini - and this is undoubtedly one of the most important questions to ask.... WHY?
Instead your mind starts the arm race of reaction rather than introspection. A confused and time-consuming abyss of lob-sided emotions, that often involves the following messes of the mind:
Pattern A - the tissues+large tub of ice-cream+self-loathing scenario
Why me? The world seems against you and nothing is ever going to go right again - bless. This involves a fair amount of self-pity and the cracking noises you hear in the background are in fact the evidence of your ego being crushed beyond recognition.
Pattern B - How dare you do this to me? (aka swear-word and anger) scenario
No filthy words in the world can make up for how angry, humiliated and furious you feel. You feel free to share these words - or even entire strings of foul language - with anyone who shows even the slightest tolerance. The soul purpose of the next couple of weeks will be convincing every person you meet of how "wrong", "bad" and downright "evil" the other person clearly is.
Although there may be some self-pity underneath, the surface of this scenario is definitely littered with self-importance and pure shock at how anyone could do this to you - do they not know who you are????
Pattern C - Don't leave me this way (..but its really a begging thing) scenario
This is where your mind comes up with a thousands "yes.. but what if"s that would and could make it plausible to stay together. The word CHANGE is often used here in a sentence spelling out promise of different attitude or behaviour in order to make the thing that is broken whole again. In desperation you often sell yourself short, something you often deeply regret in the months or years to come. Self-value and Self-worth are often at an all time low and dignity nowhere to be seen.
The hurt you feel is not the breaking of your heart but the breaking of the fantasy
It could have worked, it would have worked..... if only this, if only that. Your mind keeps spinning in ever-smaller circles trying to figure out why the dream was lost. The dream was lost not because you weren't good enough or they didn't try hard enough, but simply.. because it was an illusion, a fantasy, a dream.
So much of what we interpret as "real" and "truth" is really our mind making the world up the way it suits us. Apart from living according to our own unique values it is also making the world up according to our values, somewhere along the way forgetting that no one is like us and no other person in the whole world has a true insight into our thoughts and mind.
Your mind had already decided the future - how that job would be, how that relationship would pan out.... long before it stopped to check the facts. Is that job really something I would be good at doing or is the relationship really able to fit my lifestyle and requirements? Your mind skipped that step - the fact checking one - and went onto that magical place called imagination, where everything seems bigger, brighter and more bountiful.
When reality doesn't measure up to LaLa-land and delivers challenge and rejection as well as love-up and bouncy - we feel shocked and hurt. You may like to call it the breaking of unrealistic expectations or waking up to reality after a long trip down the rocky road of denying the actual truth. There is that tricky difference between your "reality" and what is "actually true" - the one being the world according to you, the other being the world according to universal balance - the way the world really works behind the way you have interpreted it. Here, in the actual world of balance, apples cannot turn into bananas .. and.. people will be who they are (no matter how much you wish or imagine they were different).
Your mind likes to be right about what it likes to be right about
I call it the double standard mass of grey matter that controls your life, your body and your thinking. Most of us ( but not all of us) have pretty reasonable expectations of the world that surrounds us and as such are not too shocked when our dog doesn't talk (although we wished he could), when our computers don't make us tea with a biscuit (wouldn't that be nice) and when there is no sunshine even though it is summer ( well, we live in the UK.. what can you expect).
Yet, when it comes to people, no such logic or reasoning seems to prevail and generally a complete state of childlike naivete seems to govern our brain. "I can't believe he would do that", " Its just so unlike her" and "I would have never expected them to reject me". REALLY? In a million years, with a million reasons and a million possible emotions ... you really didn't expect a human being to express a completely human emotion that would lead to a completely human behaviour and response. That would be like being surprised and shocked when you put your hand in a fire and it burnt you ...... "I can't believe that bastard fire hurt me!!!" Really?We all have the capacity to be nice and nasty, depending on the situation and depending on wether we are being challenged or supported.
This isn't about you
This might come as a complete shock but mostly what seems to be a response to you or a decision about you, doesn't actually feature you at all other than the trigger. Its a bizarre thought really to come to the realisation that no matter what you could have said and done would probably not have made any difference. Why? Because the other person's decision of rejection was not based on fact or actuality but was a response to what seemed real and reasonable to them.
We all live life according to what is most important to us - our values. With this as our inner compass we all constantly evaluate every person, thing and opportunity as "serving" or "hindering" our values. This judgement call is however not as straight forward a decision as it may seem. The ignition to the mental process to reject you was mainly their interpretation of how you were "hindering" their values ( even though you thought you were definitely ticking all their boxes and perhaps even did). Mix in a little bit of history and baggage, and even the person making the decision doesn't know why they feel so strongly about it. There may even be a hint or lack of self-worth that is, underneath everything, playing out a pattern that supports that belief system and keeps it firmly in place. The fact is, it is their decision based on their interpretation - no matter what you thought you did.... theirs and theirs alone.
Can't let it go? .. here is how
You could go to your nearest video store and hire out the movie "he is just not that into you", pick a variety of therapies or join a support group .. or... you could do a quick little exercise that will literally blow your thinking right out of its old and dusty paradigms and introduce you to a sense of cerebral freedom you had no idea existed.
Start at the very top of the page and write "Benefits of getting rejected" and stare at it for a while. For most of us we don't even need to try to stare - our mind will naturally insert a empty/blank/tumbleweed moment because it is being confronted with the one question it never thought to ask.
When we fear or grieve the loss of a job, relationship etc it is merely a state of mind that believes having or getting that job/relationship/acceptance will bring with it more benefits than drawbacks - NOT POSSIBLE. One solid, but often conveniently ignored fact is, that the universe is at all times in perfect simultaneous balance - no up without down, no light without dark, no challenge without support... and not five years from now, but right here, right now - instant.
*(Now go back to your list and fill it with as many benefits as you can possibly come up with - 100 at the very least)
Our mind however is on a somewhat primal level hardwired into "good" and "bad" to keep us happy, healthy and most importantly alive. You have a choice ! You can chose to activate and switch on the spectacular gift that evolution gave us - the ability to evaluate our surrounding with you as the third person. Why this is so unbelievably important is this: If you evaluate the world through your eyes , there is either left or right BUT if you can evaluate yourself in the middle of the two, both left and right are able to co-exist... in other words you can see the whole picture. Science tells us that this is why we are at the top of the food chain, because we have the ability to strategise, plan and evaluate. Your brain has come a long long way since we moved from water to land and started to walk upright, now play your best evolutionary poker card and evaluate yourself ...... question your thinking!!!
Every cloud has a sliver lining ..... just especially for you
So, what are the benefits of being rejected? What is the hidden blessing in what initially looked like an absolute disaster?Perhaps it enabled you to take stock, take advantage of another opportunity or even made you realise that your life was on a road you were unwilling to continue on. The answer is completely unique to you, unique to what is important to you and how you live your life.
Once you are able to see how this rejection has in fact enabled you to be true to who you are, true to what is important to you and actually all-round fab and wonderful, you are truly starting to think like the highly evolved being you are. Once you can see that getting their acceptance would have had as many drawbacks as being rejected..... well then you are one step closer to seeing the bigger picture, one step closer to seeing your life in balance and one step closer to planning your next fishing trip ... after all, plenty more fish in the sea.
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